A narcissist can range from the selfie-taking, social media fiend who can’t get enough of themselves – right through to people who hide their pain behind an idealized self-image to mask their enormous lack of self-confidence.
Whichever one they are, most narcissists are extremely charismatic people who will put in every effort to attract the attention of someone they find worthy of their love. And when they succeed, they relish in tearing them down, peg by peg.
But not all relationships with narcissist are doomed to failure. If you can keep their egotism in check, they might turn out to be great people (behind their 1001 selfies).
So how can you tell if that new catch your texting is one? And just as importantly, how should you deal with a narcissist by text?
1. The Conversation Hoarder
You’re texts are all one-sided – no matter how many questions you ask, they will never return the gesture.
Whether it’s their great looks, their charm, their intelligence or their sporting prowess, a narcissist will continue to talk about their favorite aspect of themselves while you have to willingly sit by and stroke their ego.
How to cope
When you’re finally sick of feeling like your narcissists’ “mirror mirror on the wall”, it’s time to take a stand.
Let them know you’re aware of how great they are, but try to turn the conversation around to you for once – be obvious if you have to!
Try:
“Sooo happy you smashed that game of tennis babe, you know you’re a champion. Do you want to hear about how amazing my morning was?”
This forces them to ask, and if you can keep them on topic for more than three texts, you’ve succeeded for now.
2. The Chronic Interrupter
You’re texting about something important to you, looking for a bit of solidarity and support from your special someone – and suddenly the tables have turned. You’re needs have been completely ignored in order to talk about – you guessed it – them!
How to cope
You need to assert yourself in this situation. If this relationship has any hope of going any further, you have to be able to rely on them in times of need.
“Is it ok if we put you aside for a second, this is actually quite important to me”.
Don’t hesitate to sound a bit harsh here – if they can’t come around on this point then you might not have much hope.
3. The Selfie Fiend
You love seeing your new lovers face – but not every hour! If you’re texting a selfie obsessed narcissist, you’ll soon find your inbox stuffed full of them – literally. Narcissists are constantly craving reassurance that they are as great as they think they are.
How to cope
Reassure them – but don’t feed their desire for endless compliments.
Try this:
“You look gorgeous – as usual – but I like you more for you brain”
How to deal with a narcissist in this situation? Get them to focus on something other then their looks, and maybe they will start to value themselves as a whole person.
4. The Boundary Breaker
You’ve asked them not to text you over the weekend because you’re spending quality time with your parents. Next thing you know, there they are, in your inbox, demanding your undivided attention!
Narcissists show a wanton disregard for others thoughts, feelings, possessions and desires – and the earliest warning sign is in text messages. They demand your attention when you don’t have the time, sulk when you don’t answer right away, and text late at night or early in the morning without thinking about whether you’re awake or not.
How to cope
This habit needs to be nipped in the bud early. The first time your personal boundaries are broken is the hardest, each time after that it will get easier for them to disregard your needs.
“I know you’d like to talk, but I told you that I was busy this weekend. If you can’t respect my boundaries over text, how can I trust you in person?”
Make them think about the bigger repercussions of the boundaries they are breaking.
Catching a narcissist in your inbox is the best way to find out early if you’re dating one. There are ways to cope with it early on and hopefully keep their narcissism at a low level. But remember – as soon as they make you feel uncomfortable, try to manipulate you, or start pushing you down to build themselves up, it’s time to let go. And that my friend is how to deal with a narcissist by text!
You are somewhat right and quite a bit wrong. There is more than a tinge of narcissism in your examples. For one, who tells someone they are dating, or even friends with, not to text them for the weekend? It’s this ridiculous claim that people want to make about being too busy to send a text message reply, when they are undoubtedly spending most of their time on Facebook/social media, this is at the heart of narcissism. They are not too busy, they just want to have control over relationships and people. They get it through lies and manipulation. These are the true narcissists.
Hi Tim,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, you have some interesting points!
Bisous
Claudia
Narcissists opt for two dimensional communication. They send out fishing texts or hoovering messages.
I noted a pattern of ‘xxxx’ or ‘I miss you’ after a tantrum.
They can test & manipulate very well in the virtual world. The recipient may be one of many being fished or groomed.
I found mine on several dating sites whilst declaring true love to me. Sadly narcissists enjoy deceptions & have no conscience or empathy. They seek power, control & trophies.
They switch between contempt and flattery to achieve this goal. Nothing is mutual, exclusive or original.
Hi Lucy,
Thank you for sharing your insights, they are spot on. I’m really sorry that you had to go through such an experience. I hope that you will find true love soon…there are still some great guys out there.
Sending tons of positive energy your way. xo
Claudia
Hi Claudia! I came upon your website and I enjoyed reading it and the comments. I wish I’d come upon it sooner! I just ended my relationship with a person I believe to be a narcissist. They will project all the things wrong with them onto you! The last message to me was “ I’m not a selfish person, clearly I see you are. Enjoy that life and let me know how it works out for you! Take care!”
It scares me a bit how he has lashed out but that’s what they do if you leave them.
Good luck everyone and be well!
Thanks, A.T.
Hi A.T.
Thank you for your kind words, I’m so happy to hear that you enjoy the site 🙂 What a message, and what a jerk! I’m glad you ended it and can move on to a healthy relationship. I’m always here if you need anything!
Sending tons of positive energy your way!
Claudia
Hi Claudia
I appear to be a narcissist
challenge I met this Asian girl in the spring after some traumatic times myself we dated twice and went to shows meals and a hotel together each time. Although we did not have a relationship as we both were vulnerable
She then finished with me over the phone trying to put down everything that I said and getting angry the problem I had was that each reason she gave me was easily arguable as I had real proof against her points
As I was surprised by her reasons and reaction I just went straight into no contact
I recently sent her an e mail that broke the ice and concentrated on those short good times together
We are texting again now but it’s a little light
What advice could you give for moving forward as I could end up having the same narcissistic tendencies !! Although I am empathetic😃
Hey Steve,
I’m sorry for the late reply. I would suggest not coming on too strong and instead the relationship slowly this time (maybe plan some activity dates instead of going to dinner and a hotel). Make sure that you follow up with everything you promise and accept her criticism without getting angry. She’ll probably be looking for all of these signs if she is convinced that you have narcissistic tendencies. When you text her, don’t over do it (with the number of texts, promises or compliments) and ask her questions instead of focusing on yourself. Even if it’s “light” right now, give it time and if the potential is there it can work.
Good luck!
Claudia